5 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self

1. It’ll break your heart into a billion pieces but sometimes you have to walk away.

I know you want to hold onto everything that’s in your heart. I understand that, because you gave a little piece of yourself to everyone and everything, you fear losing yourself if you let everything go. But, honey, you’re stronger than you know. I know you’ve always believed you’re stronger than most give you credit for, but you’ve started to fear your own meltdowns when you saw yourself tearing apart. You don’t need to complicate your life being frenemies with children who have police records. You don’t need to associate yourself with someone the sheriff personally protects people from. There are better things in this world. There will be greater people who will treat you better. I’m not telling you to give up on those you hold dear, but I am telling you to allow them to grow and to learn how to be better people to you.

2. Learn to stop hating yourself. It’ll make facing your past, remembering your mistakes, and accepting what you had done a whole lot easier.

I’m not going to promise it’ll make the darkness subside, the anxiety to hit the road, or any of your other problems vanish. I’m not going to say it’ll be sunshine and rainbows after you figure out how to do this. I won’t do that do you. But I still ask you to do this. Figure out how to stop hating yourself. Get to a point where you can look in your own eyes in the mirror each day and be okay with a calm silence. Stop yourself from tearing your own image apart. Stop yourself from talking you down. Stop scaring yourself from taking a step forward. Stop beating yourself up for everything that has happened. Stop hating yourself.

3. Familiarity might be comforting but you know better than to stay in the darkness forever, even if it’s just a grain of salt that acknowledges this in your whole being.

It’s a long and hard journey to get better but I believe there’s a better destination than where you are right now. All you have to do, is start.
Take longer showers and be present while you’re in the shower; I know how much you love hot showers. Get a diffuser in your bedroom and find a scent you find soothing; despite what anyone else may say, try it. It’ll help you relax a little before you sleep each night and the nightmares will very slowly calm down. Learn how to meditate; you owe it to your body to give it some time to wind down.

4. It’s not your fault.

Growing up the way you did, you were susceptible to certain struggles, habits, or even illnesses. It’s not your fault. And it doesn’t mean it’s your parents/guardians fault either. They, like you, were raised with certain expectations, certain rules and punishments, and were only given a certain amount of resources to get by. Maybe they didn’t know their influence on you, maybe they did. What’s done has been done and now you have to get pass it to grow into a better version of yourself.

5. Get outside!

After living all of your childhood indoors, you have been missing out on so much in the world. You’ve dreamt of just going out with your friends for a few hours. You’ve imagined what it would be like to explore the world. Well, start!
Try new things. Go on a ferris wheel for the first time. Go try kickboxing. Go try aerial yoga. Go kayaking. Go paddle boarding – you’ll love it!
Go see your friends. Go get a cup of coffee and catch up. Get lunch together and talk about life. Stay in one day and watch a movie. Go to Disneyland! Eat pounds of sugar and get hyper together. Something! It’ll show you how much light is truly still in your eyes despite how much you try to convince yourself that it all vanished a long time ago.